Is it I, Lord?

I want you to think for a moment of the times when you doubted God.  Doubted that he really had a plan for your life, doubted your beauty in Christ, times when you were just plain doubting.  I know I have had my share of those times.  I don't like being in those times and I know it's usually the enemy that is trying to knock me down and that my humanness so often gets in the way.  All of us have been there at some point. 

This moring I was struck by just a few words in Matthew 26.  "When it was evening, he reclined at the table with the twelve.  And as they were eating he said, 'Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.'  And they were very sorrowful and began to say to him one after another, 'Is it I, Lord?"

The disciples, even doubting their own hearts.  I was thinking about what that must have been like.  If I had been one of the twelve wouldn't you think that I would known my own heart?  Wouldn't you think that I would know that I would never betray Jesus?  Yet they all doubted themselves, and had to ask Jesus if it was them.  I think that they all knew their own weaknesses.  Oh they wanted to know that it was not them but knew deep inside that in a moment they could fail.  I was wondering what that might have felt like for Jesus but I don't think he was too phased by their questioning.  You see, Jesus loves us no matter how much we doubt him.  He's not there to condemn us or judge us but just to love us.  It's hard to fathom this kind of love sometimes. 

My husband tells me that I am beautiful every day.  Us women tend to need reminding of that frequently as we so frequently complain about something about ourselves.  I just had the thought of Jesus sitting in a room full of women, all of whom truly love him, and he says "one of you will doubt your beauty" - I don't think any of them would question whether it was them. 

So today, I am thankful that I am again reminded that I am loved despite my doubts.  I can live free because of what Jesus did for me on the cross.  I can live confident in his forgiveness.